


If you know me

by NanPan86



Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-06
Updated: 2020-05-21
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:33:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 9
Words: 22,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24030625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NanPan86/pseuds/NanPan86
Summary: Slightly AUA rough case leaves Hailey spiraling and Jay reeling.  Can their partnership survive, and will it evolve into something more?
Relationships: Jay Halstead/Hailey Upton
Comments: 33
Kudos: 120





	1. Follow me

These were the mornings she liked the best. Her feet pounding against the pavement as she pushes herself just a little farther. Her breathing is strong and steady and she knows if she keeps this pace she’ll get that endorphin rush where she feels like she could run forever. She wishes she didn’t have to go in today. That she could just finish her run and lounge all day in old sweats and binge watch a terrible show. But things rarely work out like that...

She slows her pace as she turns onto the corner of her street and her eyebrows raise slightly when she sees Jays truck in front of her flat. She stops at the driver side window of his truck and gives it a quick tap. Inside, he jumps and she frowns...was he sleeping or just resting his eyes? Either way, he gets out of the truck and faces her.

“Have a nice run?” He’s careful to keep his eyes on her face. The spandex top and leggings  
leave little to the imagination and the last thing he needs is for her to feel uncomfortable around him.

Hailey just smiles and nods. “Did we catch a case?” She asks while pulling her phone out? The screen’s black and she knows that stupid charger she has finally crapped out on her. “How long have you been waiting?”

“I just got here actually and sent you a text...but clearly you didn’t get it. You should get changed and then I’ll fill you in on the case on the way in.”

He watches as she jogs up the steps to her flat before stopping and turning to him.

“Hey, can you get this on your charger? I know I have another one somewhere but don’t want to waste time finding it.” She tosses her phone to him before turning once again and disappearing behind her door.

Jay climbs into his truck and plugs Haileys phone in. He waits for the screen to light up and then sets it down. After 5 minutes, the screen switches to the normal lock screen and Jay can’t help the dry chuckle that escapes. Her lock screen is black. No pictures, or color. No indication of who this phone might belong to at all. Even the case is plain. Sturdy and black. The simplicity of the phone could not be more different from the owner. He wonders if he has ever met someone as guarded as Hailey. How even though they’ve been partnered for almost a year, he could probably just barely fill a post it with things he knows about her. It’s not like he’s an open book, but there’s just something about the way she looks at him after she’s asked him a personal question that just makes him want to answer, instead of his normal deflection or joked response. 

“Less than 10 minutes and you showered...thanks for that.” He gives her one of his signature Halstead smiles before adding “I’d hate for you to stink up my truck.”

She clicks her seatbelt before turning slightly towards him and punching his arm. “Shut up, Halstead.”

On the drive, he quickly fills her in on what he knows about the case. A man in his mid 40’s found stabbed to death in his home. “His daughter was there or at least was in the house when the police arrived. Neighbors said they heard a man shouting and someone screaming before everything went quiet again.” If Jay notices the way Hailey sits up a bit, or the thin set of her lips, he doesn’t say anything. “They haven’t been able to get the daughter to talk though. She looks like maybe she got knocked around or something. Voight said she’s got a split lip and visible bruising on her wrists.” He glances at Hailey and waits for her to say something. Ultimately she doesn’t so he continues. “It’s possible she came home in the middle of this and was beat by the guy. Hopefully the team will have something for us when we get up there.”

“Hmmm” is all Hailey lets out. She’s got a bad feeling about this and just as she clasps her shaking hands together, they thankfully pull into the district. She grabs her phone and heads out of the truck. She ignores Jays questioning gaze and bee lines it for the gate and quickly buzzes herself up leaving Jay to rush after her.

Hailey wastes no time and quickly approaches the board, swiping the case folder from her desk on her way. She scans the papers inside, putting faces and names to memory. Walter Walters...she hates the name immediately. Why even bother with a first name if it’s one letter short of the last? He’s 43 and looked to be in good health. No record...not even a parking ticket. He’s a widow, his wife having died of breast cancer 2 years ago. His daughter, Clara, 14. A sophomore at Unity Prep. From the outside they looked happy. Both daughter and father smiling back at Hailey from their pictures on the board. Everything around her fades and she focuses on the facts. She doesn’t even realize she’s been standing in front of the board for nearly 5 minutes ignoring her team. It isn’t until Voight's raspy voice pierces her thoughts that she returns to the room and turns to look at her boss. She can feel the eyes of friends on her and chooses to ignore them.

“What have we got?” Hands tucked into the back of his belt, Voight stares down his team. Hoping for some answers. This murder was too violent to be random and he needs his team to get to the bottom of it quickly. He looks at Adam who scratches his chin and shakes his head.

“We got nothing Sarge. Rojas and Burgess are looking for security footage but nothing so far. Neighbors said the disturbance started at 8:45pm and lasted for approximately 5-10 minutes. Nobody saw anything out of the ordinary otherwise.”

“Sarge, where’s the daughter? I’d like to try to talk to her.” She tries to sound normal, like her insides aren’t shaking and her head isn’t pounding. She keeps her head up and eyes focused on Voight. He considers her her for a moment. They have nothing really to go on, and Ruzek and himself already tried to get the girl to talk with no luck. It couldn’t hurt... “Fine.” His focus shifts to Jay “sit in with her, see what we can get.”

Hailey wants to argue, to tell him she doesn’t need Jay in there. That it would be better if he wasn’t anywhere near the room in fact. She’s about to tell him this but changes her mind at his stare that’s practically begging her to try and defy his order. Instead, she gives a slight nod and walks back towards the interview room. She hears him send the rest of the team out with various tasks and takes a small comfort in knowing that they won’t be listening in. She can only hope Voight stays away too. 

She takes a deep breath before turning to her partner. “I’d like to do the talking, I have an angle and want to see where it runs.” He wants to ask her if she’s okay. If she needs a minute to gather herself, because while she works with everyone back in the pen everyday, they don’t work as closely with her as he does. They wouldn’t see her knuckles nearly white from gripping the file so hard. The shaky breath she let out when he first told her about the daughter, or the way she completely masks her face to hide any real emotion she may be feeling. He doesn’t know what it is that’s got her out of sorts, but he’s worried. He remembers she’s waiting for some kind of response from him and instead of asking what he wants, he simply states that he would follow her. He watches her shoulders relax slightly before she nods again and enters the room.

The pale blue of the room calms her a little and she’s happy that Clara is in this room and not the interrogation rooms. This room is for victims and devastated family members and friends. She’s sure that Clara is at least one of those. She sees Clara sitting on the plush navy couch just staring, vacant expression on her face that sets Hailey’s heart racing once again.

“Hello Clara.” She waits for a response or some flicker of recognition but gets nothing. Hailey takes a seat on the other end of the couch and points to the chair in the far corner of the room for Jay to take.

“My name is Hailey. I’m a detective here, and this my partner Jay. He’s just sitting in, but I’d like for you to focus only on me if you can okay?” Her voice is gentle and soothing. The girl is tiny. Very small for her age, Hailey thinks. She barely looks like she is 11, she’d never guess this girl was a sophomore in high school.

“Clara, can you tell me what happened last night?” Again, Hailey waits for some sort of response. When none come, she reaches out and gently touches her arm. She’s barely touched her before the girl jerks away, pressing further into the corner of the couch. Hailey regrets the action immediately, and curses herself as the girl starts to tremble. Her tiny body rattling about and her breathing hitches. She looks up at Hailey and whispers she’s sorry. If Hailey hadn’t seen her mouth move she would have thought she imagined it. Then Haileys eyes meets hers and she knows she was right to be worried. That this girl has endured something she shouldn’t have. That sinking feeling she had since Jay briefed her earlier spreads across her whole body. She watches as the girl drops her head and begins to cry silently. Hailey wants to cry too...she knows without a doubt that this case will change everything.


	2. Help me make it stop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter touches on childhood sexual abuse. It’s not specific but I’d rather not trigger anyone...

Hailey shifts closer to the girl. Wanting more than anything to take her in her arms and remove that haunted look in her eyes. For a moment she wonders how to ask the questions she needs to ask. She decides to backtrack and start with something small. “Your lip and cheek must be sore. How about I send Jay to get you an ice pack?” Hailey’s not really expecting a response but is surprised when Clara nods her head not looking up from her lap. Her long red hair hangs over most of her face. 

Hailey looks at Jay for the first time since they sat down. “Do you mind?” She manages to hold his gaze and lets out a relieved sigh when he reluctantly rises and walks out of the room. Hailey waits until the door clicks shut behind him and then turns back to Clara. She still hasn’t moved, but Hailey can no longer see the tears falling. 

“If something happened Clara, we can help you. We just need you to tell us what you know.” The girls chin lifts and Hailey watches as she tucks her hair behind her ear. She’s about to answer when Jay walks back in. He goes to hand the pack to Clara but decides against that and lets Hailey take it instead. He’s pretty sure he sees a flicker of annoyance on Hailey’s face before she manages to quickly shutter it. He wants to tell her that he trusts her and he’s not going to try to jump in. Instead he just moves back to his chair and sits. He lets his eyes rest on Hailey’s profile. He watches as she gently presses the ice pack against the girls face. The girl flinches slightly but he thinks it’s more from the sudden coldness this time. He just waits...hoping that Hailey can feel the waves of support he’s sending her. Hoping she can sense that he’s got her back no matter what.

“Clara?” Hailey leans closer to the girl trying to grab her attention once again. “It’s okay, this is a safe place and I promise you I just want to help.” She holds her breath as Clara lowers the ice pack, watches as she lets out a shaky breath. Like she’s preparing for battle or something.  
“Nobody listened...” She tries to hide the way her lower lip and chin quivers as she talks to them. “I just needed it to stop...I had to make it st-stop.” She doesn’t want to cry anymore. She wants to make Hailey see, to make her believe her. It won’t do any good to be hysterical.

Hailey chances a quick glance at Jay. She is sure her face is a reflection of his. Hailey wonders if he knows where this is about to go. If he’s figured it out yet, because she knew. That whatever was about to come out of Clara’s mouth was eerily similar to Hailey’s past. That if it wasn’t for her striking red hair, Hailey would have sworn she was looking at her ten year old self. She shakes her head quickly, forcing herself to stay in the room and not get sucked back to her own dark past. She watches as Clara turns more to her and waits for her to continue.

Outside the room Rojas and Burgess run quickly up the stairs. “Sarge, you’re gonna want to look at this.” Vanessa and Kim’s eyes are glassy and slightly red like they've been crying, or at the very least, trying not to cry. “We were looking into the doorbell cam on Walter’s computer and found something.” She honestly doesn’t even know how they found them, the videos that she will probably see for a very long time no matter how hard she tries not to. Vanessa hands the tablet over to her boss and steps back. She closes her eyes as she sees him press play. She doesn’t want to see it again...she’s only been in the unit for a little over 5 months and she’s never had to deal with something like this. She breaths deep and tries not to gag as she hears the video play. 

“Is daddy’s princess going to be a good girl now?” Hanks lips curl in on themselves as he watches the scene unfold. He couldn’t see her face, but he knows that that’s Clara’s room. The bed is the same one she’s sitting on from the picture on the board. Hank presses pause and looks at Kim and Vanessa. 

“How many are there?’ He asks, referring to the videos. He needs to know and at the very same time he doesn’t want to know. He doesn’t have to deal with these cases often, but he knows they happen. It makes him furious, sick...he’s glad the piece of shit father is dead. If he’s being honest with himself he would have done worse...

“Sarge?” He snaps his gaze back to Kim. What did she say?  
“The videos start a year and a half ago. The time stamps show at least one video a week was uploaded during that time with the majority of the weeks having two videos uploaded. There’s close to 150 videos.” Kim pauses to steady her voice. “Each video ranges from 10-45 minutes long. There’s also easily over 2000 pictures of the same nature on his device.” She shudders and shares a look with Vanessa.

“There’s something else.” Vanessa continues. “Judging from the doorbell cam, no one entered or exited the house before, during, or after this went down.” She pauses so he can absorb that new information, obviously reaching the same conclusion that she and Kim had reached.

Hank sets the tablet down and pinches the bridge of his nose. This is a lot to take in, and he knows he needs to get both of them out of the district quickly. Hailey is in that room...she’s dealing with something that nobody should have to go through, let alone do it twice. He settles on telling them to grab Atwater and Ruzek and head over to the house and search the house top to bottom. “Stay out of here until I call you all back.” He sharpens his eyes on them. “Am I clear?” He can see they are both confused...wanting to ask more but his gaze leaving no room for questions. He waits until he hears the gate lock behind them before turning and walking back to the interview room.

The interview room has no two-way mirror. It doesn’t need them. It does however have an intercom built in that Hank switches on. He immediately hears Hailey’s voice, soothing and calm. 

“What did you want to stop Clara?” She’s moved closer still to the girl. Their heads almost touching. She wants to let her know she’s here and she will help her no matter what. That she will believe whatever Clara is about to tell her.

“I tried to tell them before, tried to tell them he loved me too much. They didn’t listen.” She looks up and at Jay, expecting to see that same placating look in his eyes that the last officers she tried to tell had. Clara remembers it took her nearly 3 months to Sneak out and work up the courage to go to the police. She remembers trying to tell them what was happening but she was so scared. She ended up tripping over her words and when the officers started to question her further she felt like she was going to be sick. One of the officers had even asked her if she was just acting out for attention. When they asked her name, she turned and ran. Those officers wouldn’t help her. Now, 15 months later she was back and expected to tell her story. She had nothing left to lose anyway.

“I’m so ashamed...” She grips her hands together, her nails digging into her own skin. The pain grounds her. “He wasn’t always bad. He was like what most fathers are supposed to be like. He sang to me, and read me stories. Put bandaids on me when I got hurt.” That’s part of the struggle. Clara finds it difficult to separate her feelings for the man who was once her hero, to the man who did unspeakable things to her.

“I did it. He’s dead because of me.” She waits for the door to burst open. For someone to yell that she’s under arrest, but it doesn’t happen.

Hailey can only stare at the girl. She can see how scared she is. How it looks like she might pass out at any second from fright. She can also see that she’s relieved. That someone knows what she did. Even if Hailey doesn’t know exactly what happened to her, she knows enough.

“You stabbed your father?” There’s no accusations in her tone. She’s careful with her questions, afraid to push too far. 

“He said he was going to get someone new. Someone younger for me to play with and I honestly don’t remember much after that.” She gets up and paces towards the window before continuing. “I know what he meant. A new girl to make videos with and I remember thinking that I wouldn’t let that happen.” She tells them about how they sat down for dinner like a normal family. How her plate had barely any food on it.

“He used food and water to control me. The less I fought, and the more I behaved, the more food I could get. Even then it wasn’t much...he wanted me to look younger...”

Hailey can see Jay shift back out of the corner of her eye. She sees the way his hands ball into fists on his thighs. She refuses to fully look at him though. She needs to focus on Clara.

“Clara, you go to Unity Prep right? Did you ever try to tell anyone there about what was happening to you at home?” Clara looked confused for a second.

“I’ve haven’t been to school since I graduated 8th grade. He never let me leave the house. He did take pictures of me in a school uniform though...He was probably paying the school to say I was attending or something.” Clara’s chest hurts, like there’s a weight on her chest. Her breath gets shallower and she starts to panic.

“I...I...don’t want to go to jail. Please! I’m sorry, I just want to go home.” She’s sobbing now, and Hailey thinks she might be on her way to a full blown panic attack. 

“It’s okay Clara. It’s okay.” Hailey tries to calm her down. She sees Jay start to stand but quickly puts her hand out to stop him. 

Clara shoves her hands into her hair. “Nothing is OKAY! How is anything ever going to be okay again?” She collapses to the floor curling in on herself. “I killed him...I killed him...I killed him...” She’s whispering it over and over again. Trying to drown out the sound of the knife stabbing into her fathers body. It won’t stop...why won’t it stop...

Hailey lowers herself to the floor and crawls closer to Clara before gently reaching out to touch her shoulder. “It’s going to be okay Clara. I’ve been where you are. I’ve lived through trauma. Not like you, but I know its going to be alright.” She slides her hand up to lay against Claras cheek. Her thumb brushing away tears as she speaks to her. “We are going to get you the help you need to get past this. Because no matter how dark it seems right now, there are amazing people out there that can help you.” She watches as Clara’s eyes meet hers.

“How do you know?” Clara hiccups a stuttering breath and is looking at Hailey like she holds all the answers.

“I know because the people who are going to help you, are the same ones that helpEd me.” If she’s surprised by this answer, she doesn’t show it. Clara just allows Hailey to pull her up and into her arms. Hailey gently rocks her and tries once again to ignore Jays’s questioning eyes. She knows he’s wondering what trauma she has endured, wondering if she too were a victim to a sick fathers desires. She just closes her eyes and continues to whisper to Clara that it will be okay.

Jay isn’t sure how much time has passed since Clara collapsed on the ground and now. It feels like it could be have been hours...but he’s afraid to move, to even make a sound that will startle them both. He’s certain that Hailey doesn’t even know she’s been crying since Clara started to have a panic attack. That even now, eyes pressed tightly closed, he can see the tears falling from her eyes. He wants to hold them both, to offer the comfort he can to them, but if he’s being honest, he mostly wants to hold Hailey. To make sure she’s okay too. 

In the end, it’s the door opening that startles them all. Voight stands there and eyes the three of them. He steps aside, never breaching the doorway and lets another officer into the room.

“Upton, my office please. Sergeant Platt will sit with Clara.” He’s not about to leave her with just Jay. He doesn’t wait for her response, just turns and walks back toward the pen. 

Hailey can feel Clara’s body start to tremble again and she’s quickly reassuring her that she can trust Trudy. “She was the responding officer the night I shot my father.” She quickly untangles herself from the girl and practically runs from the room. She knows she just dropped a bombshell on Jay but she can’t do this with him right now...she ignores him when he calls her name and has never been more grateful to be inside Voight’s office.

Jay can only stare at the closed door. A million questions running through his head...most importantly, what the hell just happened?


	3. Are you listening to me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the hits, likes, and anyone who took the time to review!

Hailey blocks everything out once the door closes. Her arms are wrapped tight around herself like if she lets go, her body will simply fall apart. Her breathing is harsh and she can’t seem to make the tears stop. There’s no sobbing, only the ragged breaths she manages to drag in. What the hell did I just do...what did I do... She looks at Voight then, like he might fix everything if she asks nicely enough. 

“Sarge...we...we have to help that girl.” Hailey’s practically pleading. She will do anything to help her.

“Hailey, you were exactly right in that room. Everything you said is what she needed to hear. She needs to know someone’s gonna stand up for her and be there for her.” He moves closer to Hailey, wanting to offer her any comfort she will take, but she just moves away... “And we are going to be there for her. We are going to do everything we can for Clara.” He’s already planning to personally hand the case over to the Special Investigations Unit. “SIU will do everything they are trained to do, they are gonna help her through this.” He thinks about offering her a drink...anything to calm her down a bit. Get that look out of her eyes...

“So that’s it? We just pass her off to someone else?” She can’t believe this. “Give up on her?” She’s shouting now, letting the barely contained rage out. She screams at him, blaming him for things he obviously has no control over, but she doesn’t care. Nothing matters except protecting Clara.

She doesn’t see him move in front of her until his hands are reaching out to touch her shoulders. Voight realizes his mistake too late. The flinch is automatic...like she’s a little girl again and she doesn’t deserve this...she never deserved this.

“Hailey”. He tries again, his voice quiet. He’s on the other side of his office now, the desk separating them. He didn’t mean to scare her and doesn’t want to. “I’m not giving up on her. I am giving her the best chance at coming out the other side of this whole.” He decides now definitely deserves a drink and sets two glasses out and quickly pours the deep amber liquid before sliding it over to her. “SIU has one job, to deal with cases just like this. Everything we know about what happened over the last year and a half to this girl, ticks a box in their specialty. They are the best man for the job Hailey. Not us...as much as you want it to be, it isn’t us.” He knows if she were clear headed she’d realize this, but she’s not. He lets that sink in while he quickly shoots a text to Trudy. 

Voight: Grab Halstead and head over to Med with Clara. Get her checked out. Don’t talk to him about Hailey...I owe you

Platt: I’m on it...and I’ll do my best with Halstead. 

He sets his phone back down and really looks at her now. She’s downed the drink but won’t look at him. “I sent Clara to Med with Platt and Halstead.” He lifts his glass and takes a small sip. “Thought maybe you’d like a little time to decide how you’re gonna go from here.” It’s her decision to tell Jay. To tell anyone for that matter, he won’t force her to tell her story. 

He remembers when she first came to the unit. On paper she was exactly what he was looking for. His background checks on her came up clean except that her name was in the system. No record, nothing to click to find out more. So he naturally did a little digging and then when that came up with nothing, he found someone who could look where he couldn’t. You can’t have secrets and work this job...well secrets from him at least. He can’t protect you if he doesn’t know all of it. What came back shocked him. He doesn’t remember hearing about the case...he thinks he may have been under at the time. Trudy was one of the responding officers so he tries to find a way to bring it up to her. To find out if Hailey would even be able to handle the stress of this unit. He’s terribly unsubtle in the end, but manages to gather that Hailey is good police. Trudy had said she’d be an amazing addition to his team. Naturally she was right. He’d told her at the end of her first day that he knew her story. He knew everything. He didn’t need to say more and she didn’t offer more. She just straightened up and set her chin daring him to say something. They never spoke of it, but she knew that he knew she’d done something terrible and he was keeping her on, so she never pushed it.

“I’m not trying to tell you what to do here, but you can’t just pretend like you didn’t say what you said.” He can tell she’s calmer now. “Your partner is the person you should be able to trust with your life. That applies inside and outside of this job.”

“I don’t know how to tell him. I don’t even know if I want to tell him...things between me an Jay have been really good. Something like this will ruin our partnership.” She reaches for the bottle of whiskey but Voight beats her to it and pours her a smaller second drink. He puts the bottle back in his cabinet before handing the drink over, and waits.

“I’m not sure I can deal with him knowing. The way people look at you after they find out...I can’t handle him looking at me like that.” She downs the rest of her drink and stands now. “I didn’t really have friends when I was a kid. I never had to worry about what they would think when they found out I was a murderer...and I am. I’m a murderer. It doesn’t matter the reason, I killed my father. I spent my entire life with that, and I’ve accepted it.” She tugs her ponytail out and runs her hands through her hair. The drinks, even small were probably a bad idea...she’s already got a splitting headache and it will only get worse.

“But just because I’ve accepted it, doesn’t mean everyone else will. You think I didn’t notice the stares or the whispers when I went back to that house to get my things? People who looked the other way when I needed them the most had the audacity to judge me.” She wants to say more, but she doesn’t want to get worked up again.

“Is it okay if I head home? Take the day?” She can’t stay here any longer, and she certainly doesn’t want to be here when the rest of her team gets back. 

Voight doesn’t answer, just nods his head. His lips pressed tightly together. “I’ll call you with any news from SIU on Clara.” He watches as she whispers her thanks and then hastily exits the office.

Meanwhile at the hospital, Jay is trying to focus on what the doctor is telling him. Clara has been subjected to a battery of tests and to her credit, she hasn’t made a fuss. He’s worried she’s completely shut down but every once in a while, Platt is able to get a smile out of the girl...even if it doesn’t reach her eyes. They’ve promised she only has one thing left, which is to meet with Dr. Charles, and Jay hopes it goes well. He’s sitting there just watching Trudy and Clara when suddenly the loudest stomach rumble erupts from Clara.

He wants to laugh, but quickly squashes the urge down when he sees a look of embarrassment take over Clara’s face. She looks like she’s going to cry.

“Why don’t we kick pretty boy out to get us some food, huh?” Trudy looks at Jay and he stands up and crosses towards the door.

“Any allergies Clara? Anything you don’t like?” When she just shakes her head he smiles and walks out. He settles on some deli sandwiches, macaroni and cheese, and salads for all of them. He does his best to knock before entering and Platt quickly rises to help him with the food.

He lists off the sandwiches and allows Clara to choose first. She opts for the salad instead of the pasta mumbling something about a bad experience when she was younger. Neither of them question her, both just happy she’s eating. Jay pulls the chocolate milk out his pocket and sets it in front of the girl and he’s rewarded with a full blown smile. She grabs it quickly and starts to practically chug it at once.

“Easy there, Red...we can get you more.” Trudy gently pushes Clara’s hand down and sets the milk on the tray.

Clara’s face turns bright red in an instant and she drops her hands to her lap. “I’m sorry...” She whispers it, afraid she’s going to get punished, but they don’t say anything else. They just sit and eat, not making a big deal. She tries to take another bite but her stomach turns and suddenly she jumping off the bed and rushing to the toilet. She moves to shut the door but Trudy is right behind her forcing her way into the room just as she tosses her lunch back up. She heaves for what feels like forever and all the while Trudy just holds her hair back offering soothing words and rubbing her back. When she is finished, she slumps to the floor, her back against Trudy’s chest. 

“Guess we should have gone with something lighter, you probably aren’t used to that much food. That’s our fault.” She moves to help Clara up and pops her head out to see Jay, toothbrush, toothpaste, and a small bottle of mouthwash in hand.

“Thank god the gift shop was still open...”Jay hands Trudy the things and then lets her know Dr. Charles is ready when they are. 

When they emerge, they leave Clara with Dr. Charles and assure her they will be right outside when she’s done. Jay waits for Platt to say something and when she doesn’t, he starts with his questions. He barely manages to get three words out be Platt stops him.

“You’re asking the wrong person...you need to be talking to your partner.” She gives him a signature Platt stare and is happy when he drops it. At least for a couple of minutes. Then he begins to talk again.

“If there’s something I need to know, something that could endanger Hailey or hell...me, I should know.” He’s not angry, his voice is soft and even.

Trudy thinks there couldn’t be a better partner for Hailey out there. She really hit the lottery with Jay, and she feels bad that he’s in the dark about all this. 

“She’s gotta be the one to tell you, Halstead. You can’t force her, and you can’t just go digging things up and presenting them to her demanding an explanation ” 

“What if she does’t talk to me about it?” He has a lingering fear that she won’t trust him with this. That she won’t share this part of herself with him. 

In the end, he just shakes his head and tries to ignore the feeling that his partner may not have ever really trusted him.

They sit in silence until a little over an hour later, Dr. Charles and Clara emerge from the room. Clara looks exhausted, but thankfully doesn’t look to have been crying. Dr. Charles offers them a smile and tells Clara he will be seeing her soon. 

The ride back to the station is quiet. Everyone tired from todays events. They’d spent nearly 5 hours at the hospital all said and done and Jay can’t wait to get home to shower. When they finally climb the stairs of the lobby at the district, it’s almost 7:30pm. They are greeted by Voight and two detectives from SIU. After some quick introductions, Jay and Trudy tell Clara they will see her very soon and Jay even offers his and Hailey’s cell number.

“Call me or Hailey of you need anything...even if you just want to call and cry. We will be there if you need us. Okay?” He’s totally taken by surprise when she rushes forward and wraps her skinny arms around him in a hug. He can feel her tremble slightly and he gently winds his arms around her in return telling her it will all be okay. She quietly thanks him and then turns and does the same to Trudy.

They watch as Clara walks out of the building and then Jay turns and rushes up the stairs.

“She’s not here Halstead.” He’d barely made it up two steps before Voight speaks up. “She asked for some time and I know you probably won’t, but you should consider giving her some.” Jay doesn’t say anything, just looks between Platt and Voight.

“Go home Jay.” Voight turns and walks out of the building. Choosing to ignore the look of defeat in Jay’s eyes.

He knows he should let her come to him when she is ready, but he can’t let go of this overwhelming need to check on her, make sure she’s okay. He thinks about all the things he wants to ask her and he’s pretty sure he’s got a solid plan formed as he pulls up behind her car.

He knocks and waits, but she doesn’t answer. He knows she’s home, so he knocks a little louder this time. After knocking a third time with no answer still, he contemplates using the key she had given him for emergencies. 

He decides entering her house uninvited probably won’t go over very well no matter his intentions. So he pulls out his phone and sends her a text.

Halstead: I know you’re home and I’m not leaving. I just want to see that you’re okay.

There’s no immediate response and he’s still sitting on her front steps nearly 15 minutes later. He’s about to text her again and tell her he still isn’t leaving, just sitting in his truck because it’s starting to drizzle, when he hears someone rushing down the stairs inside.

The locks unlatch and Jay jumps up just as Hailey throws open the door. Her hair is soaking wet and though he’s most likely the last person she wants to see right now, she’s apologizing for not having heard him because she was in the shower. She doesn’t move from the doorway making it clear he isn’t welcome inside right now. 

“It’s been a long day Jay.” She tucks her wet hair behind her ears and crosses her arms over her chest.

“I know, and I get it. I just...wanted to make sure you were going to be okay.” He wants her to invite him in. To tell him everything , but she only offers him a sad smile and spits out words to him like she’s on autopilot.

“I’m fine, and I appreciate you stopping by, but I’m tired and was getting ready to go to bed. So...” She moves to close the door but Jay’s had gently but firmly holds the door open.  
“Hailey please...” It’s a whisper and he hates himself for how weak he sounds. He just needs to know what’s going on. The unknown of this day is driving him crazy.

In an instant, Hailey’s eyes take on a hard glint. Her blue eyes narrow on him and she speaks.  
“You know, you think you’re here for me, to help me or whatever reason you’ve thought up on the way here...but the fact is, this is all about what YOU need.” She steps outside now, into his space forcing him backwards and down two steps before she stops. They are eye level now and her glare is unflinching as she continues.

“Did you stop and ask yourself what I need after today? What I might want?” Jay just swallows but doesn’t even think about saying anything. He only ever sees this side of her when they are interrogating an offender, and it’s certainly never been turned on him.

“Let me spell it out for you, in case you still don’t get it. I don’t want company right now. I don’t need you to come sweeping in here acting like I’m some damsel in distress or something.” Her hands move to her hips, and though she barely reaches his shoulders normally, right now at eye level, she’s intimidating.

“If and when I want something from you, I’ll let you know, but it’s not now. I don’t need you to save me, so just stop. I’m asking you to stop.” She sees the hurt flash across his face and any other day, any other time, she’d hate herself for being the reason for it. But she’s tired and defensive and just wants to get to bed so this day can be over.

“Yeah, okay.” He doesn’t think this could have gone worse if he tried. He drops his head and turns stepping down the steps. His hand rubbing at the back of his head as he goes.

She hopes he doesn’t hear the hitch in her breath as she watches him walk away. She stands outside until she sees his tails disappear around the corner. She lets herself go numb to her emotions as she locks up and climbs the stairs to her room. She needs to sleep, she still has to be at work in the morning.


	4. Goodbye to yesterday’s

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, thank you, thank you for the reviews! It’s nice to hear what you think, and that you like the story.  
> ~Nan

It’s a little after 7:00am and Jay’s feet drag as he climbs the steps to his unit. Voight’s office door is open and he can see his Sergeant inside so he knocks on the frame and hesitantly steps inside.

“You got a minute?” The younger detective asks. Voight closes the file he was reading and gives Jay his full attention.

“What’s on your mind kid?”

“I think you were right about giving Hailey space, and I think that given the circumstances, she and I shouldn’t be partnered together right now.” He lets out a relieved breath at having gotten that out. He’s not sure he means it and the words are like glass in his throat. The truth is, he knows he messed up and he should have just given her the space she had requested.

“Did she say that or is this coming from you?” Voight’s gaze is questioning, like he can’t actually believe either one of them would ask for a partner change. Hell, when he brought Rojas in and had Upton asses her, both were pretty unhappy about being split up and were not afraid to let him know. 

“It’s all me. I just...I think right now I’ll only make things worse for her. I’m not talking forever, Hailey and I, we work well together. We are finally in sync and when things settle down, I hope we can be partnered again.” He rubs his face and can’t help but feel utterly defeated. “Until then, I think this will be best.”

Voight leans back in his chair studying him. 

“Did you think about how she’s gonna take this? How it’s gonna look when after what happened yesterday, she comes in here and suddenly you’re not her partner anymore?” 

“I’ve thought about it, honestly I have, and it comes down to one of two things. She’s either partnered with me. Where she knows I saw and heard things yesterday that she wishes I didn’t. Or, she can partner with someone else who doesn’t know.” He’s pretty sure any move he makes at this point will be the wrong one. He can only hope that he is choosing the lesser of them.

“Alright, but I’m still not convinced this is what she wants right now, but I guess we will see.” He stands and gestures for Jay to walk out before following him, both waiting for the rest of the unit to arrive.

Jay’s phone rings and he’s hoping to see Hailey’s name pop up on the screen, but it’s a local number instead.

“Halstead.” He moves to the far stairwell to take the call. When the person on the other end doesn’t respond he tries again.

“This is Detective Jay Halstead, can I help you?” On the other end of the line he hears a sharp intake of air followed by a shaky exhale. He waits and finally there’s a voice coming through his cell.

“Hi Jay.” He smiles as he recognizes Clara’s voice on the other end.

“Good morning, Clara. Did you have an okay night?” It’s wishful thinking on his part, but he hopes she at least felt safe with the family they put her up with.

“It was...ok I guess. No one bothered me so that was nice.” 

“Good, I’m glad to hear that. You just calling to talk, or did you need something?” He doesn’t want to rush her, but he’s got to get back in there before he misses today’s assignments.

“Um, Trudy said she was going to take me to lunch today. Do you think...would you mind asking Hailey if she can come too?” He can hear how difficult that was for her. Asking for things she’s been denied so long. 

“I must have dropped her card when you gave them to me, because only yours was in my pocket. I don’t have her number.” 

“How about this, I’ll text you her number to this number you’re calling me from. Does that work? She will be happy to hear from you.” 

They talk for a few more minutes before he tells her he has to get back to work, but says that she can call him anytime and as long as he’s not out on a case, he will answer. She seems satisfied with this and tells him she will call him again.

He’s smiling down at his phone when he walks back into the bullpen, and nearly collides with Hailey as she exits the break room. His arms automatically go to her waist to steady her and he’s apologizing and dropping his arms just as fast. He goes to step around her but she takes his hand and pulls him back into the break room. She’s about to say something but now its her phone that’s ringing. She lets out a huff of annoyance at being interrupted, but pulls her phone out of her back pocket. Jay doesn’t mean to look, but he recognizes the number as the one Clara had called him on. He can see Hailey debate on wether or not she is going to answer or let it go to voicemail so he speaks up.

“That’ll be Clara. She just called me and asked for your number. I didn’t think you’d mind. She wants to know if you can go to lunch with her and Platt.”

He listens as Hailey answers. Watches as her bright smile takes over her face, then makes his retreat. Voight’s just coming out of his office again hanging up his phone. 

“Alright, we caught a case. I need Halstead and Rojas to get a victim statement over at med once he’s out of surgery.” He can see the questions and surprise on his detectives faces at the change up, but keeps going, sending Attwater and Ruzek, and Burgess and Upton out to question the neighborhood.

Jay turns towards the stairwell to follow Rojas and sees Hailey standing outside the break room. She heard the pairings and she doesn’t look happy, but thankfully Rojas is calling for him to hurry up and he’s rushing down the stairs trying not to notice the sad and confused look on Hailey’s face.

Vanessa offers to drive trying to lighten the mood, obviously having felt the tension between Jay and Hailey.

“Yeah, I don’t think so...” Jay scoffs and nudges her toward the passenger side of the suv. 

“So, my first question is, What are we doing for lunch?” 

Jay can’t help the laugh that bursts out. Having Vanessa as his partner today will definitely give him a much needed distraction. 

Hailey and Kim are not quite as happy. A hundred thoughts are racing through Hailey’s mind as they drive and she can’t focus on what Kim is asking her.

“I’m sorry, what did you say?” She tilts her head apologetically and tries for a smile. It comes out as anything but, and Kim takes notice immediately.

“Is everything okay?” Kim knows they aren’t the best of friends, but she likes Hailey and she’s so used to seeing Hailey’s bright smile that she doesn’t know how to take this version of her.

“Why wouldn’t it be?” She can hear how clipped her voice is, and she wants to apologize when she sees Kim try to hide the surprised hurt on her face. Instead, she turns her head and looks out the window, watching the city pass by. 

She feels badly for being rude to Kim and the moment they get a break, she excuses herself quickly, and makes her way back around the corner to the coffee shop they had passed. She sends a quick thanks for the speedy service and then is making her way back to the car. Kim is already inside and just staring out at the sidewalk. 

She walks to the car and silently offers the coffee to her. Neither speak, just sip at the steaming liquid.

Hailey lets out a little sigh of happiness and then turns towards Kim.

“I’m sorry I snapped at you earlier.” She takes another sip and continues. “Things are just...things are feeling a little out of control at the moment and I’m worried about why Voight did the switch up.” In the entire time at intelligence, she’s only been partnered with Jay except for that month where she was working with Rojas. She thinks it’s her fault, that after yesterday and the things she said to Jay last night, that maybe he decided he can no longer work with her...trust her. Either way, she was wrong to push her insecurities on Kim.

“It’s fine, seriously. Don’t worry about it.” She gives Hailey a smile, thanking her for the peace offering, and then starts the car, heading back to the district. 

The rest of the team is already there when they climb the stairs, and Hailey’s eyes automatically scan the room for Jay and she wonders if he can feel her staring at him. 

They update each other on what they gathered. Their victim is in a coma and the doctors aren’t sure he will pull through. The only lead they have will disappear if he dies, so everyone’s hopeful he will make a recovery. There’s not much to do but wait and see at this point.

Everyone is talking about lunch plans and Hailey is happy to have an actual reason not to join the rest of the team. She follows them all down the steps a few minutes later and is surprised to see Clara next to Jay, laughing at something one of them said. She shakes off the heavy feeling in her chest and makes her way over to the group. It doesn’t go unnoticed that Jay quickly stands and distances himself from them. She can’t tell exactly what this feeling is, but she knows without a doubt that she doesn’t want to feel it.

Clara jumps up and runs towards Hailey, her smile breaking out full on. Hailey opens her arms and Clara runs right into them. 

Platt grumbles about being starving and getting this show moving, and Hailey separates herself from Clara and the four of them exit the building together. When they get to the bottom of the steps, Jay makes to go right, and Clara asks where he is going.

“Aren’t you coming with us?” It comes out a little scared sounding, and Clara looks at him with pleading blue eyes.

Jay looks a little guilty at having to tell her no, but he had just assumed it was a girls lunch. She never asked him to join and figured he was invited. 

“I promise I will join you guys next time. I’m having lunch with the rest of our team today. You guys have fun!” Jay turns and starts to walk in the other direction. He’s about to cross the next street when he hears her.

“Hey, wait up.” Hailey is jogging to catch up with him, having sent Trudy and Clara ahead to get a table. 

“About what I said...”

“You were right...”

They speak at the same time and Jay motions for her to continue. He’s taking in her appearance and he hates that she’s got dark circles under her eyes. He wonders if she slept at all last night.

“I’m sorry if I upset you last night.” She looks at the ground, like maybe she’s ashamed for her behavior. “If what I said hurt you...but I swear I didn’t say anything to Voight. I didn’t ask for a new partner.” She can only hope he actually believes her.

“I know you didn’t, it uh...it was me.” He says it sheepishly, hand rubbing at the back of neck, afraid of how she will react.

She takes a sharp breath in, feeling like he just sucker punched her. He doesn’t want to work with her...he doesn’t trust her anymore, and it’s her fault. Her past is ruining everything...

“Oh...” It’s a whisper, and it’s all she can manage around the lump in her throat. 

Jay watches as Hailey battles her emotions. He hates how when she opens her eyes again to look at him, its with a blank stare, and it definitely scares him a little how quickly she can shut herself down.

“It’s fine. I understand.” She steps around him and seriously considers running away. She can’t get away fast enough.

She’s barely taken three steps when Jay gently takes her elbow in his hand and pulls her into the little alley. 

“Let me go Jay.” Her voice is thick, like she might cry at any second. She struggles slightly, trying to shake off his hold.

“Just listen to me.” Jay’s hands move to her shoulders holding her and leaving her no choice but to look at him. “I think you may have reached the wrong conclusion.”

“You don’t want to be partnered with me Jay. What am I getting wrong?” She doesn’t yell just dejectedly states the facts.

“I did ask for a new partner, but not for the reasons you’re thinking.” He holds her gaze, hoping she can see the truth behind his words. “You said you needed space to figure out things and that’s fine. I want to give you that, for however long it takes. I know if we stay working together, eventually I would try to get you to talk to me before you were ready. That the entire time you and I were riding together you would always wonder if I was thinking about what you said in that room...if I was judging you, questioning you.” He takes a chance and lightly touches the side of her face. His hand warm against her cheek.

“This isn’t about anything other than that. I don’t want you thinking it’s something you did, or that I don’t trust you and your judgment because of it.” He hears her shaky exhale and knows that’s exactly what she was thinking. His thumb moves to brush gently at her cheek, swiping away a tear that managed to escape.

Hailey’s hand moves to his wrist that’s touching her face. She’s trying to remember if they’ve ever been this close outside of being under, and can’t help but admit that she likes this. 

“What if I’m never ready to tell you?” He barely hears her broken whisper above the noise of the street behind them. She’s looking down now, like she can’t bare for him to see her this vulnerable. He steps back, dropping his hands and gives her the only answer he can.

“Then we will cross that bridge when we get there. I don’t want this to be permanent, Hailey. You are hands down the best partner I’ve had since I joined the force, and I trust you. I just want you to know I heard you last night...that I’m trying to listen.” He offers her a smile, even if it’s a little sad. He knows this isn’t going to be some quick fix. That it will likely be weeks or longer before she may be ready to talk to him. But he makes a silent vow not to push her, and then tells her she better hurry before Platt turns Clara against her.

Hailey nods and gives him a sad smile of her own and then tells him she’ll see him around.

This time its Jay that watches until Hailey leaves his sight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up we finally find out about Hailey’s past


	5. Hold on I still need you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know i promised Hailey’s story in this chapter, but it didn’t happen...the next chapter is the one I promise!!
> 
> Thank you for all the amazingly wonderful reviews!  
> ~Nan

The coming weeks are filled with endless amounts of longing stares and awkward encounters between Jay and Hailey. It’s been over a month, and Jay thinks it’s one of the hardest things he’s willingly ever done. Giving her this space is not what he thought it would be. Sure, he knew he would be losing Hailey as his partner, but he certainly didn’t think he would lose her as his friend too. She hasn’t been to Molly’s once since before they met Clara, and because she only talks to him professionally at work, he hasn’t texted her or called because it no longer feels allowed. 

He misses her, misses how easy things were with them. Even when things were stressful and there was a bad case, they worked through it. Those days seem like they were years ago. 

He’s been steadily partnered up with Vanessa and he’d be lying if he said he minded working with her. She was funny and easy going, and had this habit of throwing some words of wisdom at him at the most random times. He spent a lot of time laughing with her, and honestly it helped keep his mind off things. 

He knows Hailey has been different since they split as partners. Kim told him as much over a beer one night at Molly’s after the first week. 

“I swear to god Jay, it was like I was talking to a wall...I’m seriously starting to wonder if it’s me...and let’s face it...” Kim raised her bottle, using it to point at herself. “I’m like, totally likeable.” She takes a drink and looks at Jay for confirmation, as if she really is wondering if maybe it is her.

“No. You’re not wrong...she’s definitely off.” His eyes swing towards the door, always hoping she will be walking in. He looks down at his beer and sighs deeply when once again, it’s not her. 

“She uh...I think she just needs to work through some things. Don’t take it personally...I think she’s shutting out everyone right now.” He signals for Herman and quickly settles his tab, over this night. He leaves a bill on the counter for Kim’s beer and then makes to leave.

“Can you just do me a favor?” He slides his wallet into his back pocket and grabs his cell in his hand. “Will you make sure she’s taking care of herself?” He shifts the phone between his palms and looks back at her. “She gets wrapped up in things and forgets to eat, barely sleeps.” He stops, unsure of how to continue without sounding overprotective of her. “Not that she needs...I just...worry about her.”

Kim gives him a knowing smile. “You know, you could check in with her yourself, right?” She finishes her drink and stands to walk out with him. When he doesn’t answer, she agrees to keep a close eye on Hailey and they both head home.

The next morning, Hailey is just getting ready to leave for her morning run when her phone rings. It’s Kim and she’s 15 minutes out. They caught a case. She changes into jeans and a comfy t-shirt, grabs a cup of coffee and waits on the steps outside of her flat for Kim. 

Hailey listens as Kim briefs her on the case. 3 bodies, probable drug overdose, and what appears to be poisoned laced heroin. While she’s talking, Kim pulls a small brown bag from behind Hailey’s seat and offers it to her.

“Sesame bagel, lightly toasted, way to little cream cheese in my opinion...I ate mine on the way over.” 

Hailey smiles and thanks her, taking the bagel out of the bag and biting into it. She talks around the bite in her mouth and Kim thinks she’s talking about how good it is.

After eating half, she tucks the rest away just as they pull into the lot of the district. Hailey’s eyes search the lot for the familiar truck and is relieved when she spots it and that it’s empty. She wishes things weren’t like this. She hates not talking to him everyday, and she misses hanging out with him outside of work. If she’s honest, she’s actually surprised he is keeping his word and giving her space, but here they are...a little over a month later and he hasn’t pressured her. 

She knows he talks to Clara all the time. Jay, Trudy, and herself have taken Clara under their wing and spend a lot of time with her. Her therapy is going really well, and Clara seems to genuinely like the foster family she is with. 

She forces all thoughts not about this current case out of her mind and sits at her desk. She notices that Jay and Vanessa are missing and Voight’s office is closed. A heated conversation can barely be heard, but she knows whatever is going on inside that office probably isn’t good. She tries to focus on something other than what’s going on but fails and minutes later the door is yanked open, and Jay emerges looking angrier than she’s ever seen him. He’s followed by Vanessa and then Voight. She can only watch at Jay walks past, not meeting anyone’s gaze. She sees him turn into the locker room and moves to follow him when Vanessa zips past her after him. 

She’s not his partner anymore. At this point she’s not even sure they classify as anything other than colleagues. She wants to go talk to him, but before she gets the chance Voight is talking to the group.

“Alright, we got 3 dead. That makes the total deaths linked to this heroin 10 since it hit the streets 2 days ago. We are setting up a buy now for tonight. Ruzek, Upton, you’ll meet with the supplier tonight if all goes according to plan.” 

As Voight continues to give orders and discuss the case, Vanessa emerges from the locker room alone. She looks sad, or maybe upset. Whatever that look is makes Hailey worry more for Jay.

“Halstead is getting in touch with a CI about setting the meet up. Hopefully we have everything set by noon.” Voight tells them to get to work and then disappears into his office, closing the door once again.

As soon as the door clicks shut, Hailey is up and moving towards the locker rooms. She searches the room and is getting more worried by the second when she finds he’s not here. She drags her hands through her hair and tries to call him. Straight to voicemail...what the hell? She turns to go back into the bullpen and slams right into Vanessa. 

“Shit, sorry...I’m sorry.” She steps back and sits down on one of the benches. 

“You looking for Halstead?” Vanessa tilts her head slightly and looks at Hailey.

She considers lying for a second, but she really is worried that maybe Jay is about to do something really stupid. 

“Uh...yeah....yeah I am.” She waits for the brunette detective to talk and things are making more sense as she answers.

“Voight thinks one of Jay’s CI’s can get us an in with the dealer and then to the supplier.” Vanessa leans against the row of lockers closest to her. She can tell Hailey what she knows, but it’s honestly not a lot. One second they were discussing a possible meet and then Voight mentions Jay squeeze his CI named Grady, and he loses it.

“Grady?” Hailey springs up from the bench. “You’re sure he said ‘Grady’?” The last time Jay had seen Grady was when he was supposed to give him info on a possible new gang moving through the South Side. He couldn’t prove it, but Jay was pretty sure Grady ratted him out as he was met with a warehouse full of dead bodies at a meet they’d set up. As far as Hailey knew, he hasn’t seen or heard from him since.

“I tried to go with him, but he refused.” She looks guilty and for a moment Hailey wants to shout at her that she should have tried harder. That Jay should not be out there alone, but it isn’t really her fault so Hailey bites her tongue, instead, dialing Jay again.

“I swear to god Jay, ANSWER YOUR PHONE!” She shouts it, furious at him for slipping back into old habits and more than a little scared for him. She needs to ping his phone. She needs to get to him before something bad happens. 

She’s moving quickly now and makes her way to the IT room and has the tech guy Murphy ping Jay’s phone. It takes a few minutes of persuading, but finally he’s pulling up the information she needs.

“Okay, looks like he is moving south on Carpenter Street. He’s in Englewood.” Hailey watches as the dot on the screen continues on and then is scribbling her cell down and telling him to text her when he stops.

She doesn’t waist time trying to explain to Voight what might be happening right now, just runs out of the building towards her car. 

“Shit!” She didn’t drive...she lets out a growl of frustration at how much time she’s gonna waste signing out a department car when a suv pulls to a stop beside her.

“Where are we going?” It’s Vanessa, and if Hailey was the hug freely type, she’d hug this girl.

She quickly tells her where to head to and is anxiously checking her phone every few seconds. Jay did this once before. Early on in their partnership. He just went off book and when she was called to the hospital as his emergency contact, which was a surprise to her, she wanted to strangle him herself. She berated him for not trusting her to have his back and told him she didn’t want his cookie cutter apology. She’d left as quickly as she’s arrived and managed to hold herself together until she got home. He’d shown up 3 days later at her flat with a six pack and a genuine apology, concussion and all. She was reluctant to forgive him, but made it very clear if he did something like this again he’d be finding a new partner. She didn’t have time for partners with a death wish.

That seems like another lifetime ago now, and Vanessa drives as quickly as she can sensing Hailey’s panic. They are still 8 minutes out from Englewood when Murphy texts her an address where he stopped. She tells Vanessa to go faster. 

They turn off Carpenter on 70th and Hailey immediately spots Jay’s truck. What she sees next has her heart stopping. She recognizes Gradys black stringy hair, and she can see Jay’s blue shirt under him. They’re struggling over something between them, and as soon as Vanessa stops, Hailey is out running towards them. She’s about 15 yards away when the shot blasts through the neighborhood. 

Everything goes black for a second, the shot sending her into a moment of sheer terror. Both men are unmoving, and there’s blood. So much blood. She can vaguely hear Vanessa radio it in behind her, and then she’s shoving Grady off and down against the sidewalk. She doesn’t know how she can remain focused enough to do her job, but just as she cuffs the guy, Vanessa is there to take over, and Hailey turns to face Jay finally.

His face is void of any color, his lips completely white, and she’s tearing at his shirt searching for the source of the bleeding. She nearly cries right then as her fingers slide over the velcro of his vest. 

“It didn’t go through...it didn’t go through”. She says it on repeat as her shaking fingers finally manage to pull the vest off and away from his chest. His eyes pop open and he lets out a pained groan at being able to breathe again, momentarily having the wind knocked out of him.

Her relief is short lived, replaced almost immediately with anger. He did it again. He broke his promise to her that he made all those months ago. Her body feels too shaky right now and she slumps back against the small retaining wall against the sidewalk. All she can hear is her own heart pounding in her ears. She closes her eyes to keep the tears of relief and frustration at bay, but mostly because she can’t stand to see the sickening bruise already forming on his chest. 

Vanessa watches, feeling utterly helpless in this moment, because whatever was going on with these two before, certainly wasn’t helped by this stunt Jay pulled. She’s happy to hear the sirens and knows the rest of her team won’t be far behind. She drags Grady a couple of yards away trying to give Jay and Hailey some privacy before things get really hectic.

Jay still can’t breathe in fully, and his entire body protests as he forces his body up next to Hailey. She’s still got her eyes closed and she’s covered in the red liquid from the dye packs on his vest. 

Is she humming? It sounds like a song he sang as a kids, but can’t quite place it. He can see they way her hands shake, and he knows she thought he’d been shot. Hell...he thought he had too. He forgot how much it hurts to take a bullet to the chest, and for a millisecond after the shot echoed out, he thought he was a goner. 

“Hailey?” His voice is soft, like he’s afraid if he talks too loudly he will scare her. When she doesn’t acknowledge him he reaches for her left hand and is fully prepared for her to pull away, but she doesn’t. She grips his hand tightly, as if he’s the only thing keeping her from simply floating away.

That is what Voight sees as he pulls up to the scene. He watches as Hailey helps the paramedics get him standing, and then slides her arm around his waist to offer further support as they make their way to the back of the closest ambulance. They assess Jay for any more serious injuries saying he most likely has at the very least one or two broken ribs. They want him to get some x-rays to be sure.

Some time after getting Jay up off the ground and over to the ambulance, Hailey had disappeared. Voight searches for her and is relieved to see she hadn’t left. She’s at the second ambulance talking to Sylvia Brett. He walks up and offers Brett a smile and then turns to Hailey.

“You good?” He can clearly see she’s not...covered in that red dye. She looks pretty pale too. When she only offers him a small nod as an answer, he changes tactics and decides to get her away from the group before trying to talk to her.

“Walk with me.” He says it in a way that leaves no room for argument, and Hailey finds herself moving to fall into step with him. They walk in silence for a bit, turning back onto the main street before Voight speaks again.

“Tell me what happened here, why you thought it would be a good idea to follow one bad decision with another?” He gives her a pointed look, arms crossing over his chest. He’s not blaming her for what happened, he just thought of all the people in his unit, she would have been the one to come to him before running blindly after someone who clearly is about to do something stupid. 

Hailey barely manages to stop the hitch in her voice as she relays the mornings events to her boss. She can see his disappointment in her and that hurts, but she won’t allow herself to feel the pain of it at this moment. She had only been thinking about getting to Jay. When she finishes telling him what happened, she waits for to him to speak, for him to be even more let down by her.

“I need to know what’s going on, Upton.” He lowers his arms, one rubbing at his eyes. It isn’t even 10:00am yet and his day is already a shit show. 

“I got a job to do here too. Do you understand that?” He keeps his voice firm but doesn’t shout at her. 

“Make sure at the end of the day, you all come home. It’s that simple. Yeah, I gotta worry about the crimes and the shootings and the drugs, but my top priority...it’s you guys and your safety.” He watches as Hailey lowers her head, too ashamed to hold his gaze any longer. “I can’t do my job if you guys are running around the city doing whatever the hell you want.”

“I’m sorry Sir. I’m really sor...sorry.” She can’t stop the tears, or the sob that escapes her. All the emotions are too much and now she is crying and can’t seem to stop. She doesn’t see him move, but one second she is crying into her hands and then the next, Voight is gently pulling her into his side and just lets her cry.

She tries apologizing again, brokenly telling him she had thought that Jay was dead. She had heard the shot and then seen the blood and she had feared the worst. She calms slightly, her head resting on his shoulder. They are both facing the street, backs to the dwindling scene behind them. She hates that he saw her like this. That she had broken down in front of her boss once again, but she does feel better for having gotten some of the crushing emotion off her chest. She wipes at her face and straightens away from him, more than a little embarrassed. He doesn’t say anything about it though, just tells he’s going to reprimand Jay too, and asks if she’s ready to head back. 

The walk back is again spent in silence, and Hailey uses this time to get her emotions back under control. When they get back, Hailey sees that everyone has has already headed back to the station. It’s only Jay, sitting on the bottom of the ledge of his truck. He’s looking at his phone and she watches as he sets it down, eyes closing like he is battling with himself. 

“You’re in luck Halstead. Upton has graciously offered to take you to get those x-rays.” He gives a smirk and then motions for Jay to follow him. Hailey climbs into the driver side of Jay’s truck and starts the engine, cranking the AC. She can’t help but watch as she sees Jay getting a much different version of the talk Voight had given her. She can see the vein in Voight’s forehead and neck and she knows he’s not keeping his anger in check like he had with her. She sees Jay shake his head, casting his eyes down. Then Voight is shoving a finger at Jay’s chest and she looks away when she sees the flash of pain cross his face. Seconds later Jay is gingerly climbing up into the truck. 

He doesn’t try to lighten the mood with a joke like he normally would. He can tell from the rigid set to her shoulders, and the way she’s gripping the steering wheel that she is not handling this very well. Honestly, he’s more shaken up than he cares to admit, and the scolding he got from Voight just now, did little to settle him.

They both make the ride to the hospital in complete silence. She doesn’t leave his side, making sure he can’t lie about his injuries. When he is given the all clear with some major bruising but thankfully no broken ribs, she drives him home. She parks in front of his flat and get out of the truck taking the keys with her. 

Jay can only watch as she storms up the sidewalk and jams the key into his front door. She disappears inside and all Jay can think as he slowly follows her inside is that he did not think this day could get any worse. 

He was obviously wrong...


	6. I’m going back to the start

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We made it! Jay finds out about Hailey’s past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains graphic depictions of violence and child abuse.

The first thing Hailey does when she gets inside his flat is head straight to the fridge. She’s pulling down a bottle of whiskey when she hears Jay close the door. She only grabs one glass and fills it generously. She doesn’t care that it’s expensive, she just needs something to take the edge off, to help her get through tonight. 

He’s leaning against the doorway watching her when she finally turns around. Her eyes meet his and she’s boiling again. She downs the rest of the whiskey in one gulp and paces behind the counter. She worries she might actually physically harm him if she gets too close to him. 

“What the hell were you thinking Jay?” Her words are harsh, laced with traces of lingering fear. “I’m serious.” Her hands move to her hips as she stares him down. “I want to know what you were thinking when you walked out of the district today alone? AGAIN!” She’s so angry, and yet she is still so scared that her body is practically vibrating with the warring emotions. 

Jay doesn’t move. He is so fucking tired and he just wants to shower and go to bed in a medicated induced haze, but he knows he has to deal with this first. He made this mess in the first place.

“I’m sorry.” It’s all he offers, all he has the energy to muster up at the moment and he knows its the wrong thing to say immediately.

“You’re sorry?” She moves closer to him. “You’re fucking sorry?!” She shoves her hands into her hair and it’s a tangled mess mixed with sweat, red dye, and she’s certain there’s a fair amount of tears in there as well. “Tell me, if the roles were reversed, and it was me who pulled what you did today, would you just be satisfied with a simple ‘I’m sorry’?” 

He closes his eyes against that image. Hailey on the sidewalk, covered in blood, and he gets it, he does. He understands why she’s as upset as she is.

“No, I wouldn’t be okay with that. But Hailey, what happened today wasn’t your fault. You’re not responsible for me anymore, and I know you don’t want to hear it, but I really am so sorry. I can’t imagine what you must have felt when you saw me on the ground like that, but I’m right here. I’m okay, and it’s not your fault.” He watches as an array of emotions pass quickly over her face before settling on what he thinks is hurt. He wonders if this day will ever end.

“So...we aren’t partners anymore and that means I’m just suddenly supposed to not worry about you? I’m just supposed to stop caring about what happens to you every time you walk out of the district and I’m not by your side?” She wraps her arms around herself, the ache in her chest growing heavier by the second. 

“We’re in this together, remember?” Her voice is small, it sounds like a scared little girl even to her own ears. “That’s what you said. You and me, you said you trusted me, and then you just completely ignore me and shut me out for weeks. Then today...I can’t do this anymore with you Jay.” She thinks if she weren’t so exhausted that she would cry right now, but it appears all the fight has left her and she’s just sad...so crushingly sad. 

She’s afraid to move because she’s pretty sure if she does, she will walk out of this flat and maybe out of his life for good. She’ll ask for some time or even a transfer...anything so she doesn’t have to feel this way anymore. So she stays put, hoping he says something...anything to fix what’s broken between them. 

“I didn’t mean to make you feel like I was shutting you out.” He rubs at his eyes and moves towards the kitchen table. He winces a little as he lowers himself to the chair on the end. He props his head on his hand before continuing.  
“I’m just going off what you’re doing Hailey, I’m not the only one shutting people out.”

She just looks at him incredulously...was he honestly trying to compare their situations?

“Me not talking to you about my past isn’t the same and you know it. Not knowing about what I went through doesn’t affect you, it’s not your problem.” 

She takes a hesitant step back when he rises from the chair, the legs scraping off the floor echoing in the small space.

“It doesn’t affect me? Are you fucking kidding me?” He can’t believe she honestly thinks that. “You want to know how much it isn’t my problem?” He looks away, unable to hold her gaze while he tells her just how much he has been struggling with what might have happened. “Every time I look at you, as much I try not to, I wonder what happened to you. Was it neglect? Abuse? Jesus, did he touch you? They never stop Hailey. The questions and fear I have for you tumble around inside my head and I can’t stand the unknown...it’s killing me...” He opens the fridge and grabs a bottle of water, just needing to cool off. He knows his fear for her past is coming off as anger and he doesn’t mean for it to.

Hailey just stands there, unmoving. She had no idea he was this worried about her past. She’s grateful that his back is to her because he can’t see the devastation in her eyes. Her secrets were hurting him.

“You don’t seem to understand that I care about you...genuinely care about you Hailey.” He doesn’t turn to face her, just looks out the small window over the sink. “I care about what happens to you, past, present, and future...it all matters to me.” He leaves it at that. He’s not going to declare his love for her like a sappy movie. It’s not that he hasn’t thought about her like that, it’s just...with everything that has happened, he knows now is not the time. He just wants her to be okay...to help her.

They stand there, neither moving, just the sound of their breathing filling the kitchen. 

“I used to wish I never was born.” Her voice is soft, but it pulls Jay’s focus immediately. 

“From as young as I can remember, I’d look up at the sky and wish I was there, I just was too young to realize then what I was actually wishing.” She doesn’t falter when he turns, just continues to stare down at the floor while she talks.

“There’s not a single memory I have of my father where he wasn’t hurting me in some way.” She looks up, forcing him to hold her gaze, because she wants him to believe what she’s about to tell him.

“He didn’t touch me like that Jay, not like Clara’s father...but abuse is abuse, and I would never wish my childhood on anyone.” She watches as an invisible weight is lifted off his shoulders, and while she can’t predict how he will react to rest, she can give him this small piece of mind.

“I honestly can’t think of one time in my childhood where we were happy. My mom...I think she tried to protect me from the worst of it as best she could, but there were a lot of times when my dad would beat her until she was unconscious and then there was nobody to protect me.”

Jay doesn’t move. The way Hailey is speaking right now...it scares him. It’s like she’s just reading a story about someone else’s life, like these things never happed to her.

“My dad, he uh...he was always angry. I remember the first memory of him hitting me. I was little...like still in a pull-up. Even at that age I knew to keep away from him. But I remember I wanted something on the floor by the television and when I walked in to pick it up he kicked me. Like I was a ball or something. I was so stunned I didn’t even cry. I was just slumped against the wall wondering what just happened and I remember my mom came home and saw me like that. She just picked me up and took me upstairs, never said a word to him about it. You know that song ‘This little light of mine’? She taught it to me not long after that. Just told me to sing it in my head when things got really scary and hold my ears really tight so I didn’t hear, but I could always hear.” 

She has to stop for a moment. She feels sick and dizzy. She doesn’t do this. She doesn’t talk about these things ever...she doesn’t even allow herself to think about it most of the time.

“Hailey.” Her name comes out more like a sob and he’s trying so hard not to cry. He can’t stop seeing her, a toddler with blonde hair and blue eyes...scared, hurting, alone. He wants her to stop. He doesn’t want to hear anymore.

Hailey just shakes her head, holding a hand up to stop him from interrupting her. If she stops now she won’t be able to finish. She needs to keep talking.

“On my 10th birthday, my mom snuck a cake home from the bakery down the street. She didn’t put candles on it or sing to me, just set it on the table while I was doing homework and went out back to take the laundry down from the lines.” She swallows, wishing she had another drink. 

“My dad came home and saw the cake. He was furious. He swiped it off the table and it smashed against the cabinets. He started screaming about what I mistake I was and that I had ruined their lives. He grabbed me up out of the chair by my pony tail and threw my after the cake. I hit my head pretty hard off the floor and by the time the room came back into focus, he was swinging a kitchen knife at me.” She shudders at the memory, just wanting to get through this. It’s almost over and he will know the worst thing she’s ever done.

“I didn’t feel the knife at first. There was no pain as he sliced it down and into me. I didn’t scream. Not out loud anyway, and I think that made him madder. He swung the knife at me a second time and that one went deep. I could feel the burn of the cut spreading like fire outwards. I don’t know when my mom came in, but suddenly she was there. She was screaming at him and hitting him and then they were gone. I must have blacked out because the next thing I knew there was a loud scream and things banging and smashing around upstairs.” 

Jay can see her whole body start to shake. He does’t know how much more he can take of this. He’s openly crying now. Silent tears. He doesn’t care if she sees. He’s not even sure she even sees him anymore anyway. She’s looking at him but her eyes are flat, all the light in them is gone. She’s looking right through him, like she is a hundred mile away from this room. He can only grip the counter behind him tighter as she continues.

“Somehow I got up off the floor. I made my way up the stairs, unsure of what I would find when I got up there, not even sure what I would do when I got there. I reached the top of the stairs the same time I heard the gun go off.” The tears come now. She can’t stop them and she’s trying to at least not lose it completely. She just needs to tell him this last thing and then she can stop. It can all stop.

“My dad made this sound...I still hear it sometimes after a really bad case, in my dreams. Something between a scream and crying. Like someone was ripping his very being from his body. I turned the door handle and opened the door.” She’s crying hard now, not even sure he can understand her anymore through the thickness of her tears. 

“I couldn’t understand what I was seeing...my mind literally couldn’t process it. My dad was on the floor holding my mom in his arms. Only, my mom...something was really wrong. The side of her face was just gone...a bloody mess left behind where the bullet tore through her skull. I don’t remember moving, but one second I was just inside the doorway, and the next thing I knew I was picking the gun up off the floor.” She can’t breathe. Her heart is beating too fast and with all the crying she feels like she might pass out. She sees Jay moving towards her and she forces herself to say this last part, the worst part.

“They said I was in shock, that I didn’t know what I was doing. They said it was self defense. Only...they were wrong. I remember when my dad finally looked up and saw me pointing that gun at him. He said he was sorry...like that would fix things. He begged me to put the gun down, but I didn’t. I pulled the trigger Jay. I killed him, and I meant to. I knew exactly what I was doing, even if if they said I didn’t.” 

Jay reaches for her at the same moment she starts to collapse. He pulls her hard against him ignoring the searing pain in his chest. He carries her into the living room and slowly lowers them to the couch, keeping her tucked tightly against him. 

“It’s done Hailey. You’re safe now. You’re safe.” He says whatever he can think to soothe her. To ease this pain. He can’t stand it and he has only just found out. He wonders how she was able to live with this buried for so long. How she could stand under the weight of it.

They sit like that for a long time. It’s fully dark now and Jay forgets how tired he is, just relieved to have her here with him, that she’s let him in and trusted him with this. He fights the urge to pull her tighter against him when she moves to sit up fully. He knows she’s about to make up a reason to leave and he hurries to say what he needs to say.

“Did you honestly think I would look at you differently after I found out Hailey?” He watches her shrug her shoulders, surprised she even gave him that much. “There is so much I want to say to you right now. Things I’m not sure you’re ready to hear so I’ll tell you what is most important.” He turns so he’s facing her straight on. “I’m talking to you right here, right now, but I hope that scared little girl hears this too.” He takes her face in both his hands so she can’t look away. His grip is light but it’s enough to keep her eyes on his.

“You are so much stronger than anyone knows. The things you’ve lived and overcome...My heart breaks for that little girl in that room with the gun. I’m sorry you had to do that. That it’s a part of your life now. You stopped it Hailey. Right or wrong, YOU stopped it. When nobody was there to protect you, you did what you needed to.” He takes a breath and continues.

“I’m not judging you Hailey. I don’t think differently of you except that I know now just how brave and strong you really are. I don’t know if you’d be here right now in my life if you didn’t pull that trigger that night, and though I’m so fucking sorry you had to, I’m glad you did.” He leans forward and presses a kiss to her forehead. “I can’t imagine my life without you in it.”

Hailey can only stutter a breath out. ‘He knows. He knows and its okay.’ It’s the last thing she thinks before her body finally turns off, completely exhausted.

Jay feels the moment she slides into sleep. He grabs the blanket from the back of the couch, dragging it over them. Then he’s pressing his face into her hair breathing in her scent, thanking god for giving her the strength to do what she needed to do all those years ago.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song ‘The little Girl’ by John Michael Montgomery was the inspiration behind this whole story...if you want to feel your heart break a little go listen to it...
> 
> Thanks as always for the reviews!!  
> ~Nan


	7. Without you I’m not okay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little shorter, but it has a fitting ending so I left it. I’ll hopefully have another chapter up by mid-week.
> 
> And SERIOUSLY! Thank you all so much for the reviews. They mean so much and I’m so glad you all are liking this story. ~Nan

Jay wakes slowly. By some small miracle he remembers his injury and doesn’t lift his arms over his head in his routine morning stretch. Yesterday’s events flash through his head and his eyes pop open searching around until they land on her tucked into the corner of the couch. She’s awake, her knees pulled into her chest and her arms folded on top of them. 

“You always wake up like that? Like you don’t know where you are?” She smiles, hoping to keep things from being heavy and awkward after last night.

“Uh yeah...it’s been a while since I woke up on the couch in my own place.” He smiles back at her, his eyes assessing her. She looks...okay. All things considered anyway. The dull lifeless eyes that had looked at him last night are gone, replaced with her normally bright and shining ones. There’s definitely dark circles and her eyes are a little puffy from the crying, but he isn’t too concerned, he is pretty sure his look the same.

“You sleep okay?” He can’t help the warmth that spreads through his chest when she quirks her lips to one side and nods. It’s one of the cutest things she does, and definitely one of his favorite.

“You hungry? I think I have some stuff I can toss together for a decent breakfast.” He tries to rise up from the couch and fails miserably. His ribs protest and he lets out a pitiful moan. Hailey is up and moving in front of him. She offers him a hand up and keeps her hand on his arm until she’s sure he is steady. 

“How bad is it?” She wants to lift his shirt to see how bad the bruising is, but when she catches sight of her hands, she freezes. The dye stained her skin. No matter how hard she scrubbed her hands last night, it didn’t come off. She’s suddenly back on that sidewalk, and the terror and helplessness she had felt nearly overwhelms her again. 

Jay sees the change in her as it happens. She’s gone a little pale and there’s a slightly wild look in her eyes as she stares at her hands. He grabs her hands, giving them a squeeze.

“Hey, hey. It’s okay.” He dips a little to catch her eyes and tells her again he’s fine. She seems to to hear him because she settles and removes her hands from his. 

Stepping back from him, she looks down the hall. She wants to shower and change her clothes. 

“I uh, I think I’m just gonna head home.” She meets his eyes briefly then looks away again. “Rain check on breakfast?” She tries for a smile and then is moving towards the door. She is pulling her shoes on when she hears him walking towards her. 

“Hailey?” She doesn’t answer him, just bends down to lace her shoes. “Hailey.” It’s a little more forceful this time but it’s affective none the less and she stands to look at him finally.

“I’m not gonna try and make you stay, I just hope you’re not leaving because you think I don’t want you here.” 

Hailey lets out a breath. “I saw the dye on my hands and I was back on that sidewalk for a second.” She realizes now that they didn’t really talk about what happened yesterday. While she no longer feels the suffocating weight of her secrets, she can’t say the same about about the fear of nearly losing him. Not wanting to get into it again, she settles on a half truth.

“I just really want to shower and change out of these clothes...I may burn them, I don’t know.” 

“That sounds like a good idea, I’ll probably do the same.” He doesn’t really want her to leave, but he definitely needs to shower and get some clean clothes too.

“Let me grab my keys, I’ll take you home.” He doesn’t wait for her to answer, knowing she will most likely protest anyway. He just heads back down the hall into the kitchen and grabs the truck keys from the hook there. 

When he comes back, she’s pulling her hair back into a messy pony tail. They exit his flat and climb into the truck without speaking. Most of the 15 minute drive to Hailey’s flat is spent in silence. It’s not quite awkward, but it’t not completely comfortable either. They’re about 5 minutes away when Hailey finally speaks.

“I feel like you already know this, but in the off chance you don’t...The things I said last night...about my childhood, they’re ah, it’s private.” She’s trying not to make it weird, but knows she is failing miserably. “It’s not that I’m ashamed, or maybe I am...I don’t know.” She doesn’t regret telling him, but this part right here, the tiptoeing around the elephant in the room...it’s exactly why she doesn’t talk about it. She breathes deeply before continuing. “It’s not something I’m comfortable having out in the open for everyone to see.” She leaves it at that and when he tells her he completely understands, she lets out a breath she hadn’t been aware she’d been holding.

When Jay pulls in front of her flat, he puts the truck in park but doesn’t turn it off. He turns as much as his sore ribs will allow and just watches her. She looks like she wants to tell him something, he can see the way she’s trying to say what she wants, and he just waits. It seems like an hour of waiting in the truck cab, but it was probably 1-2 minutes max before Hailey is unbuckling and thanking him for the ride quickly opening her door. He wants to tell her to wait, to tell her they are okay, but he hopes she knows that so he keeps quiet.

Hailey steps down and has one foot on the runner and one on the ground when she is suddenly climbing right back into the truck pulling the door closed to keep the humid morning heat out. She turns completely to face him and he’s watching her with his eyes patient and caring.

“You matter to me too Jay.” She hesitates, unsure of how to say what she wants to say. “I wanted to tell you that last night, but we got a little sidetracked with my stuff instead. When I saw you on the ground after the gun went off...I couldn’t breathe for a second.” The breath she lets out is harsh even to her own ears, and she wishes the heavy, deep conversations would be over. “Even after I saw you were wearing a vest and the bullet hadn’t gone through, I couldn’t calm the overwhelming panic I was feeling.” She moves a little closer to him, reaching out to take his hand in hers and holding it tightly between hers.

“I need you to understand that what happens to you, good or bad, matters to me too. Whether you live or...die...” She chokes out the word, hating the way it feels in her mouth. “It matters, and my life, or anyone else’s on the team is not worth more than yours. I am not okay with you putting your life on the line to protect me, or the rest of the team. Do you understand that?” She sees the words sink in, watches as the guilt passes over his face before he looks away. “I trust you Jay, with my life on and off the job, I trust you. I need to know you trust me too. That I’ve got your back no matter what you’re doing, I’ve got you.” She takes her free hand to his face, turning him to look at her. “Do you?”

He can’t help the way his breath falters when she forces his gaze on hers. He hates that he let her down again, that he hurt her by doing something he thought in the long run was going to protect everyone. He takes the hand from his face and looks down at their hands, gripping each other like lifelines.  
“I trust you Hailey. What I did yesterday was about me and my need to protect the people I care about, but I ended up hurting them anyway, and that’s on me. I’m sorry I put you through that, truly sorry.” He looks back into her eyes and he can feel things shifting between them. He knows right now they are talking about their partnership, but he wonders if it more...does she feel it too?

“I can’t promise I won’t do anything stupid again...” He says it lightly, jokingly, but it misses the mark and he goes somber again. “I can tell you I’ll try to do more to involve you in my ‘iffy’ plans though. Let you in...is that enough?” He looks at her full of hope. Praying it will be enough.

Hailey studies him. She can hear the conviction in his voice and she really really hopes he means it this time. She’s not ready to admit even to herself that she needs him, but she doesn’t honestly know what she would do if he weren’t in her life so she squeezes his hands in hers and tells him it’s enough. She let’s his hands go and moves to open the door again when his touch on her back stops her. She turns, looking at him expectantly.

“We’re good right? We’re gonna be okay?” The words are soft and unsure and Hailey can’t help the smile that spreads on her face. She leans forward and presses her lips softly to his cheek and tells him that they are fine. 

They are both smiling when she exits the truck, thanking him again for last night. They would be okay. Together they would be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are almost to the end...maybe 2 or 3 left...we will see


	8. God only knows what we're fighting for

Hailey hoped that things would go back to normal after the day Jay got shot. She had assumed that they would be partnered back up again and things would be as they were, but that wasn’t the case. 

Things between her and Jay were okay she guessed. Life would feel completely normal and they’d joke and laugh and enjoy beers at Molly’s together, but there were also a lot of times where things between them couldn’t be more weird if they tried. The times they did manage to hang out together at either of their flats, the lightness and the escape she craved from those meetings was gone...replaced with heavy tension and forced awkward conversation. Neither wanted to tell the other how they truly felt, and they both suffered for it. It had gotten to the point where they just stopped hanging out alone, choosing instead to join the rest of the team at the bar or go home alone...again.

They were out on a sting as a unit about two months later when things changed. Hailey and Vanessa were inside the club that was suspected of trafficking women, along with Adam and Kevin. Jay and Kim were outside with Voight dealing with communications. It was a pretty straightforward task...gather intel, do a little surveillance, and report back. Don’t draw attention to yourself...that was the main directive given to them before they entered the club. Vanessa and Adam stayed together, looking every bit the couple in love they were supposed to portray. Kevin had taken a seat at the far end of the bar and had a direct view of Hailey as she sat at the busiest part of the bar. 

In the van, Kim was listening to the microphones and laughing at something Kevin whispered into his drink for her to hear. She stopped immediately when she saw Jay scowling at her. She knows he is still mad that he isn’t inside with Hailey. He had gotten very quiet when Voight had given tonight’s assignments. He wanted to argue...everyone could see that, but one stare down from Voight, and Jay was slumping back into his chair, stuck with sitting in the van tonight.

“You know they are fine right?” Kim tries, but he doesn’t take the bait and stares back at the screen in front of him. There’s another slick haired asshole talking to Hailey and he really doesn’t know how much more of tonight he can handle. 

He had to quick stitch a microphone and camera into the front straps off Hailey’s dress earlier, and now he is stuck watching her flirt with these guys. It pisses him off, and the fact that he is pissed off about it makes it worse. He knows she can handle herself. He’d seen her take down Kevin during an in service hand to hand recertification. He just hates that these jerks get to flirt with her, and that even though it’s part of her cover right now, she’s letting them. Jay had tried a handful of times to flirt with her but it always ended with things getting very awkward very quickly. She’d just sit there and either she was the worst at flirting, or it was him. And seeing her flirt with guy after guy tonight had him thinking it really was just him. So yeah, needless to say, he was pissed...

“What are you doing here all by your lonesome pretty thing?” Hailey does an internal eye roll before turning and offering this man a smile. She had been keeping an eye on this guy for a while and noticed that he had sent 3 women upstairs. Only one had come back down and Hailey thought for sure that this guy would be useful.

“Just waiting for someone interesting to come along.” She leaned closer, her hand nearly touching his on the bar.

“Yeah?” The guy smiles. “I must have watched you turn down a half dozen men at least since you been here...what exactly are you looking for?” He boldly places his hand just above her knee and Hailey had to fight the urge to break his fingers.

Inside the van, Jay watches and he thinks this night keeps getting better and better as the guys hand disappears below the camera view. He knows his hand is somewhere on her leg and he wants to rip his fucking arm off for touching Hailey. He hears Hailey sultry whisper that she had been waiting for him, and he seriously wants to ruin this guys face as soon as the cocky grin takes over his face. 

“And maybe an invitation upstairs.” She practically purrs it in his ear and she can’t hide the shiver of disgust that passes through her when he slides his hand further up her leg. He mistakes it for desire and leans closer to her still.

It happens so quickly that Hailey barely has time to gasp in a shocked breath. One second the guys hand is high on her thigh, and the next its roughly gripping the back of her neck forcing her face close to his. 

“Who said anything about upstairs?” His grip on her neck is painful and Hailey can only wince and try to balance herself on the barstool. “You shouldn’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answers to little one.” He shoves her roughly backwards and she is tumbling over the stool and smacking off the floor before she can right herself. “Get the fuck out of my club.” 

Vanessa is the first to get to Hailey just as she picks herself up off the floor. She winces a little as she moves to walk out. The two walk out together followed minutes later by Adam and Kevin. No one speaks as they get into their respective vehicles and make their way back to intelligence.

For Jay, the ride back takes forever. He wants to see Hailey. Needs to see for himself that she’s okay. He’s a little embarrassed that Kim had practically had to restrain him when they saw the guy grab Hailey on the screen. She had shouted at him that Hailey knew what was she was doing and had a distress signal. He was staying put until she used it. He could only sit and watch as she was then pushed over and sent in a heap to the floor. The need to get to her was only slightly lessened when he saw her exit the club. This whole night was a bust...they’ll have to send in another unit now and he knows Voight is pissed. He only hopes he isn’t too hard on her.

Jay and Kim head to the communication room to put away their gear, while Voight heads upstairs with the rest of the team. Jay tries to hurry, he wants upstairs sooner rather than later. He practically sprints upstairs when they finish and rounds the corner of the steps just as Hailey exits Voight’s office. If she sees him, she chooses to ignore him and quickly makes her way to the locker rooms. 

He follows and finds her at the sink wiping makeup off her face. Her eyes connect with his in the mirror and he doesn’t care for the look that crosses her face. It’s a mix of annoyance, anger, and he thinks maybe fear. The last one crushes him...

“Thought you left with the others.” She doesn’t turn, just holds his gaze in the mirror while she continues to wipe her face off.

“Nah...wasn’t really feeling Molly’s tonight.” He leans against the locker and just watches her. “Wanted to make sure you were alright.”

She lets out a huff of annoyance and moves to the next row of lockers to change her clothes. “Pretty sure we already had a conversation about me not needing you to save me...”. She pops her head around the end locker before adding “That was you and me right?” She doesn’t say it angrily, but it definitely comes off as snarky and she’s thankful for the distraction of changing so she doesn’t have to see his face after she says it.

Jay sighs and scrubs his hands over his face. Why does everything between them have to be a damn battle? Hell, if this were a movie, they’d already be married and on their second child by now but here they are...in the real world. He doesn’t mind fighting for her, he’s just tired of fighting her, and he knows if they don’t stop being so stubborn that the opportunity for something more will pass right by them.

Hailey feels like a bitch for what she said. She didn’t mean it, but she feels dirty and gross, and she’s angry at herself for messing up tonight and he’s the only one here to direct her anger at. She grabs her jacket and pulls it on before she makes her way to him.

“Can uh...can I get a ride?” She looks at him hopefully and apologetically. She relaxes a little when he just gives her a smile and tells her sure. She waits until they are in his truck before she starts to speak.

“I’m sorry you had to watch that tonight.” She looks at his profile, waiting for him respond but he doesn’t, so she tries again. “Kim said you were really on edge in the van.” They’re at a red light and he turns to look at her now.

“Am I not supposed to have a problem with you throwing yourself at men over and over again tonight?” His words are like a slap to the face and Hailey can feel the angry embarrassed flush creep up her neck, staining her cheeks.

“Excuse me?” She went from wanting apologize to envisioning slapping him, in a second. “I’m sorry, I was doing my job.” She can’t believe he said that to her, he may as well have just called her a whore.

Jay regrets his choice of words immensely and wants to take them back. He knows what it sounded like, but honestly, he didn’t mean it like that. He takes a deep breath and tries to explain.

“I didn’t mean that Hailey. Not like the way you think anyway.” The light changes and he slowly eases forward. He knows if he doesn’t try to make her understand, that he loses anyway so it’s pretty much ‘do or die’ right now. “I hate that those guys put their hands on you...and I know I don’t have the right to be upset about it, but I am.” He wishes he wasn’t driving so that he could look at her, but it’s probably a good thing they are stuck in the truck together...she can’t just walk away from him here. “I want the right to be angry they touched you Hailey. I want it, and I feel like I keep waiting for the ‘right time’ and it feels like we’re gonna miss it.” He lets out a frustrated breath and looks over at her again. She’s looking out the window, he has no clue what she is thinking right now and that worries him.

“Maybe we already missed it...maybe I was too much of a coward to tell you how I really feel and now it’s too late.” He says it sadly, she inhales sharply as soon as the words register.

“I’ve tried to feel you out, see where I stand with you, but you always shut me down and things get weird so I stopped trying, hoping you’d let me know somehow that you wanted this too, but you didn’t...you haven’t, and maybe you never will. I can live with that, honestly I can. I just want you to know that I wanted more...want more.” He pauses as he pulls in front of her flat. He puts the truck in park and stares straight ahead. “I guess it’s up to you. You know how I feel now...the ball’s in your court.”

“Jay...I...” Hailey starts, but he doesn’t let her finish.  
“Don’t say anything now. Just, think about what I said, okay.” He looks at her and she can see he’s sad, defeated almost. She looks away quickly and thanks him for the ride. She’s out of the truck and walking up the sidewalk without another word. He pulls away before she even closes her front door.

Hailey walks in a daze upstairs and heads straight to her shower. She’s rinsing the conditioner out of her hair when it hits her. She’s losing him before she ever even had him and she doesn’t want that to happen. She rushes through the rest of her shower hoping she isn’t too late.

Jay had actually reconsidered going to Molly’s because he didn’t really want to be alone with his thoughts tonight. If he tried hard enough, he could forgot for a little bit how messed up things were once again. In the end he decides to just head home. He stops and picks up a six pack and is just popping the top on his second beer when there’s loud knocking at his front door. He sighs deeply, hoping it isn’t one of his team members...drunk.

He takes a second to check who is there and he’s surprised to see Hailey on the other side. He opens the door intent on asking her what she’s doing here, but she’s a blur of blonde hair and limbs as she launches herself at him. He catches her easily and manages to hide his gasp of surprise when her lips collide with his. She practically climbs his body, wrapping her arms and lithe legs around his body. He doesn’t know how long they stay like that, locked in this kiss, but they are both breathless and panting when she pulls back.

“I don’t need time, and I don’t want to miss this either.” She looks into his eyes, never more sure of anything in her life. She kisses him again, softer this time, and she can’t help the moan that escapes as his hands slide up the back of her thighs to cup her bottom. Her back thuds against the wall firmly as Jay turns them around to give him more leverage. Her hands are a blur as they freely roam his upper body and she revels the feeling of her chest pressed tightly against his.

She wants to protest when Jay pulls back this time but the look in his eyes stops her. 

“I’m not after a one night stand that’s regretted in the morning.” He nudges his lower half against hers, keeping her focused and definitely aroused. “You get that right?” 

“Jesus Jay...I think we’ve done enough talking, don’t you think?” She smiles up at him and slowly starts to rock her lower body trying to get them back on track. She feels like she has waited forever.

“Thank you for checking to make sure I’m good and that we are on the same page. It’s one of the things I love most about you.” She presses her lips to his again and moves her hands to the hem of his shirt, effectively stopping all conversation.

Jay carries her down the hall to his room and she squeezes her eyes shut and lets out a squeak of surprise as she finds herself suddenly airborne before bouncing off the mattress. He quickly follows and then it’s a mess of tangled limbs and hurried touches. It’s desperate almost, like their lives depend on it, but when they finally come together, Hailey swears she sees stars. 

They are both on their backs, breathing hard and trying to calm their racing hearts. She wonders briefly if things will be awkward but then she’s letting out an exasperated laugh as Jay tells her she better not be a snorer. He grabs her around the waist and hauls her body across the bed until she is pressed against him. He kisses her shoulder and breathes in the scent of her shampoo. 

“Night.” He smiles as she lets out a little hum of a response, and then they both drifting off to sleep, happy and content.


	9. I think I dreamed you into life

Fall was in full swing and Hailey and Jay’s breath puffed out in little white clouds from their mouths as they ran their morning route. Hailey smiles to herself, thankful that she had taken the leap all those weeks ago. Things changed and settled into a new normal quickly which was a nice change considering what it took for them to get to this point. She spends nearly all her free time with Jay. She stays over at least 3 nights a week and it’s nice because his flat is closer to the district which means more time to sleep in among other things. She found out very quickly that Jay was a fan of morning sex, and she would often find herself being woken up by Jay slipping into her from behind. Her personal favorite though, was when he chose to wake her with his mouth, and she’d be on the brink of an orgasm before waking, to find his head between her legs with a devilish grin on his face. He’d return to the task at hand, sending her flying and she could think of no better way to start her days.

“Earth to Hailey?” Jay’s voice brings her back to the present and she nearly stumbles in her stride. She apologizes for spacing out and he’s just staring at her and she knows she has this goofy smile on her face...she’s happy, she doesn’t care.

“I was seeing if you wanted to come to the movies with me and Clara. She texted me last night, asking if I could take her to see to one.” He drops into a stretch while they grab a quick drink.

“I’m supposed to meet Kim and Vanessa for drinks tonight. I would go, but I already cancelled once.” She looks a little sad. She loves hanging out with both of them, and she feels bad when she can’t join.

“No problem, I’ll tell her you’re just too busy to hang out us...” He’s about to close up the water bottle but stops, quickly spraying Hailey with it before taking off in a full sprint back towards his flat. He’s laughing and can hear her swearing and telling him that he ‘had better run’ and then he can hear her feet pounding after him. Jay’s legs are longer and he easily strides out and away, shouting that the loser has to buy breakfast. He makes it up to her in the shower, and ends up paying for breakfast anyway.

They pull into the district together. Before things had gotten strained between them, they had often taken turns driving the other into work. It was a natural thing for them to slip back into. They both agreed that they wouldn’t actively hide their relationship, but they also wouldn’t publicly display it either. They didn’t touch each other inside the district. That was basically the number one and the only rule they had. 

Jay tells Hailey he will be up in a second and stops to talk to Trudy.

“Chuckles?” She says it like she is annoyed, but she’s anything but. She has a new respect for the detective ever since Clara entered their lives.

“Just wanted to remind you about the pumpkin patch this weekend. You still good to join us?” He had overheard Hailey and Clara a while ago discussing plans for Halloween and when Hailey had said she hadn’t ever carved a pumpkin, his heart broke a little more for her. He had texted Trudy right then asking if she knew of any good pumpkin patches.

“Yeah, I’m all set. I got us early admission to the best patch in Chicago.” 

He thanks her and reminds her to keep it a secret and then he’s hurrying up the stairs. He is equally happy and heartbroken when Hailey casually mentions things from her past. Sometimes they are innocent memories, like the first Cubs game she went to when she was in her first group home, or how she tried out for her schools soccer team on a whim because she had enrolled the same day tryouts were. She told him how much it meant to belong to something, even if it was just an athletic team. He likes those light little insights to her life much more than the heavy ones. He remembers they had been lying on the couch after a very energetic round of sex and he was tracing patterns on her back. His hand had skimmed a long silvery scar on the right side of her back that curved around to her lower chest. She had stiffened a bit and offhandedly mentioned that the knife wound from her 10th birthday had needed nearly 70 stitches. 54 on the long scar on her back and side, and then another 11 on the underside and back of her arm. She said it like it was no big deal and he was honestly in a little bit of a shock that he hadn’t said anything. Just pulled her tighter against him and held her for a while. He can’t do anything about a lot things she had been through, but he can give her the chance to make new memories...happy ones, and the pumpkin patch is a good start.

He stops at Vanessa’s desk once he’s upstairs to give her the pastry and coffee he had picked up for her when he got breakfast. He’s laughing at a joke she made when Voight calls him and Hailey into his office. He glances at Hailey as if to ask ‘what did you do?’ And follows her into the office.

“So...”. Voight sits down and leans back in his chair. He stares expectantly at the both of them.

Jay glances at Hailey, but she’s staring stoically ahead and he honestly has no clue what is going on.

“Funny thing...” Voight sits forward now, arms folding on his desk. “I was taking a call in my truck this morning, saw you pull in Halstead. I saw you kiss the person in your passenger seat...” He holds his gaze on Jay, but doesn’t miss the way Hailey’s throat works to swallow. “Imagine my surprise when I see none other than Upton here, leave your truck.”

Jay visibly pales and he can hear Hailey’s shocked gasp next to him. They had both hoped for a little more time...they obviously had to tell their boss for HR purposes, but they were hoping to wait until after the holidays at least.

“Sarge” Hailey starts, but shuts her mouth quickly at his glare.

“I got two things to say to the pair of you.” He ticks his fingers off as he speaks. “One, I had planned on partnering you back up, but now I’m not so sure. You know how I feel about interdepartmental relationships...You got one chance. You mess up out there or have a lovers quarrel...that’s it. One of you will be back on the beat so fast you’ll forget your name. Am I clear?” His eyes shift between both of them. At their nods, he continues. “The second thing is that I need the paper work for HR declaring your relationship on my desk by the end of the work day today. Now go.” He pulls a file on his desk to look through but stops Jay just as he’s about to open the door.

“On a lighter note, it’s about damn time.” Hailey blushes, completely embarrassed and Jay manages a nervous laugh as they thank him and quickly make their exit. They sit at their desks, not looking at each other, and try to get to work. 

It was a light day, which meant it was a slow day. The team spent the majority of the day playing pranks on each other and watching ridiculous videos on the internet. When it was finally time to go, Hailey pulled Jay into the back stairwell and without a second for him to question her actions, she pulls him in and kisses him hard. She’s pulling back almost as quickly as she started.

“Sorry, sorry...I just needed that.” She steps completely away from him and quirks her lips to the side in a smile. 

“Will I see you tonight?” He hopes so, and he hopes she’s a little drunk. Drunk Hailey is adorable and funny, and extremely sexy...and while they drink together all the time, they rarely drink enough to even get a slight buzz.

“Do you want to?” She wants to be with him as much as she can, but she doesn’t ever want to just assume she’s welcome.

“I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t want you there.” He reaches out and tucks her hair behind her ear. If he thought she wouldn’t run scared, he’d ask her to move in with him right now, but he’s happy to enjoy this time with her so he waits.

“Okay, I’ll see you later then.” She smiles at him and then heads back into the main room to join Kim and Vanessa to get ready for drinks. He’s not disappointed when she shows up later that night.

“Will you please just tell us where we are going?” Clara begs from the back seat of the truck. It’s Saturday, and they are heading to the pumpkin patch and Jay hopes Hailey likes it. It’s a bit of a drive, nearly an hour outside the city, but this place isn’t just a bunch of pumpkins on a stand. It’s got everything you could possibly want and some things Jay had never even heard of. There were 5 different types of pumpkins you could choose from, including the fancy white ones Jay’s mom liked to have on the table for Thanksgiving. There was tire rolls, where you could run inside them across a track like a hamster, and a corn maze, and a shooting range designed for dried corn kernels. Jay actually wondered if there would be time to do everything. 

He doesn’t answer Clara, just reaches over and squeezes Hailey’s knee. When they finally get to the farm, Clara can’t contain her excitement. Jay watches in the rear view mirror as she tells Trudy everything she wants to do when they get inside. He glances at Hailey, and she’s smiling, but it’s not a smile he’s seen from her before. Her eyes are happy and sad at the same time, and there’s a childlike look of wonder on her face too. He watches as she tucks her hands under her legs to hide the shaking.

Jay parks the truck and Clara practically drags Trudy after her hurrying to get started. Jay shouts after them that they will catch up and to go have fun before turning back towards the truck. Hailey is still inside, just staring ahead at one of her fields of pumpkins. Jay has a moment of doubt about this whole trip, and he sets himself to coax her into joining even though it seems like she doesn’t want to. 

He opens her door and holds his hand out to her and lets out a relieved sigh when she takes his hand, squeezing it firmly. He sees her lower lip tremble and the slight quiver to her chin seconds before her eyes fill and go shiny. 

“Hey, what’s this?” His hands move to cup her face and and he’s wiping the tears that fall with his thumbs.

She can’t seem to get any words out. She thinks she might just start to full out sob if she tries.

“I’m sorry Hailey, I thought it would be nice to make a new memory to replace the ones you didn’t get to have growing up.” He feels terrible, obviously his plan backfired. “I can tell Trudy I’m not feeling well and we can go.”

“No...no...I love it. I love it so much Jay, thank you.” She wraps her arms around him in a hug and presses her face into his neck. She works to control herself, a little embarrassed she’s crying. She tilts her head back and lifts her hand to the back of his head, tilting it down so he’s looking into her eyes.  
“You are a good man Jay Halstead.” She stands on her tip toes and kisses him, needing that connection. “I love you.” She whispers it against his lips and feels Jay’s hands tighten on her hips. She hadn’t meant to say it out loud, but now that she did, she leans back and locks her blue eyes on his.

“I love you. I am so completely in love with you. And I know it’s soon, but I just...”

Jay cuts her off with another quick kiss and then is looking at her like he’s seeing straight to her soul.

“I love you too, Hailey.” He presses his forehead to hers and just breaths her in. There was a time not so long ago that he thought they’d never be here. He’s so unbelievably happy right now he can hardly stand it. He closes his eyes against the overwhelming emotion passing through him and then speaks again.

“I’d give you a lifetime of memories if you let me Hailey.” He wraps her in another hug and then pulls back to look at her. “I want to make you happy, that’s all I’ve ever wanted for you.” When she just stared back at him, he takes her hand and starts to walk to the entrance. 

“You make me happy Jay. You’re all I ever wanted. Sometimes I think I dreamed you into existence, and I hate to tell you this but...” She smiles over at him as he pulls her into his side, his arm wrapping around her waist, his hand slipping into her back pocket. “You’re stuck with me now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for joining on this ride with me! I truly appreciate every person that left a review, kudo, or followed my story. Thank you!
> 
> I have a sequel in mind for this story so be on the look out for that soon! ~Nan


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